Thursday, August 27, 2009

Looking for a happy post? Look elsewhere.

I graduated top of my class with my MA in Mental Health Counseling. I worked side by side, literally, on a daily basis with Eunice Kennedy Shriver at Special Olympics International at her home. Her HOME. I've traveled all over the world. Was the only psych major my year to get research grant at the National Institute of Health to be part of the nationwide grant on Alzheimer's Disease research.

I've lost count how many jobs I've applied to down here. 60.....65...probably 70? Probably.

I'm not in a good place tonight. Sorry guys, got another big rejection today from that huge job I was stoked for and vibing on. Know what the worst part about it is? That I told every family member, friend, and blog person about it? Embarrassing, but no. No the worst part is that I was rejected via post card from the University's HR dept. Not even a promised phone call back from the Psych dept, or a return on my email I sent last week. Nothing. A bullshit postcard with "Thanks for applying. Applicant accepted. Good luck" on the inside. On the outside? my name and the position I applied for.

Not that I could ever get back that 45 minute interview....they shriveled all that hard work and kick ass interview down to a fucking post card. And I'll never hear from them again.

I'm so out of words for what this has done to my morale and my drive. I completely wasted 2 years of my life thinking I would ever make something of myself with my MA degree.

Know what sticks the salt in my wounds? Every where I turn, people I know in my life are being hired. Left and right. Paid internships, paid teaching jobs, and the best part? not a single one of them has been looking for a job for over a year like I have.

When's it my turn? What the FUCK do I do with my life? I have no identity any more. I thought i was this person with this dream and with this degree. How do I feel any connection to that life any more when a year and some change later, 60+ job applications later, I have NOTHING to account for myself? No one wants me. I dont stand a fucking chance at any job I apply to.

Im at the point where I dont see myself applying anymore. Wanna know the shit end of the stick? I have a Masters degree from a top university with a nationally ranked counseling graduate program, and I work at the fucking mall.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

ya know people will automatically tell me i shoudl be happy im getting married. my identity is not a fucking wedding. my identity is my life, my career, my fucking dreams. I'm a fucking embarrassment to myself. i spent my last 6 months killing brain cells in a fucking retail store with a fucking masters degree. but the funniest part about it all is that im not wanted anywhere else. HA! No one wants me but the mall!

is it possible to hate god and hate what your life has become this much? let's in the mall where every day i loathe going in, or sit on my ass at home and hate my life because i get rejectedfor yet another job?

where's my fucking break. wheres the rainbow at the end of the tunnel. I'm so over it all. i fucking give up. there is absolutely nothing else to say. im out of words, I'm out of emotions, i'm out of hope. i fucking give up.

I dont know who I am. I dont know what I do. I dont know the next step. I dont know how to keep going. I obviously am not good enough in the eyes of over 60 employers to do what I thought i was put on this earth to do. what the fuck do I do now? WHere do I go from here? how do I find hope in anything anymore?



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