Friday, August 28, 2009

Sitting on the patio with candles lit and Kenny Chesney playing in the background...

doing some life thinking. Trying to figure out where to go from here. I'm in a much better place than yesterday, which is great, because that shows me personally that every day will be better than the one before.

We (the hubs and I) decided that I will take some time off the job applications for awhile atleast until after the wedding when I can put myself back in the game--as of the past year I have been applying to jobs weekly--WEEKLY--with no prevail. So maybe letting go of it for some time, like I did back around the holidays last year, will help me heal.

I just don't face rejection all too well. Let alone rejection in a game where it's me, myself, and I. Even worse.

I'm sitting here realizing that it's officially been over a year of the same thing: apply, wait, get the "we'll contact you if we're interested" game. I was in this same emotional, physical state at this same time last year. That is so strange!! I've NEVER been in the same place in life year to year before, ever. I've always been changing, evolving, growing...and I'm the same Blythe I was last year. I just think that is the most bizarre feeling!

Anyway, will be getting back to yoga this week and I'm really looking forward to that--working part time pretty much means I work when they need me, at no regular scheduling. I change week to week. And its the hardest when the hubs is also working nights at the ER, so we see even less of each other, and the poor pups hate eating dinner so late at night :(

Have some days off this week to spend by the pool with some good books and some quality ME time to pull myself together...and on top of that, we've got only 21 days to go until our wedding! A year and a half of planning, and we're 21 days away. Holy hell, time is one amazing thing. :)

WELL that's one life adventure I'm ready to begin!! Marriage isn't easy but when you have a partner in life like I do, I'm such a lucky girl ;) it's going to be the journey of a life time :) xo

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Welp, the last 24 hours have been pretty brutal on my eyeballs (red), nose (red AND runny), face (puffy from crying)....husband to be (probably tired of picking me up off the floor)....dogs (c0nfused why their human is making weird noises)....blah.

I wanted this to be a place to talk about my journies in life, good and bad. Last night I needed to vent. I needed to be 100% honest with myself, put my fears out there and let anyone know how raw I am feeling. Do I regret what I said and wrote? No, absolutely not. Emotions are honest, are real and can never be wrong. They are what they are.

I think the best way to describe what I'm going through is a feeling of failure. I miss the special needs kids. Every day I'm not with them, I feel like I'm failing them. I'm not giving them the care and attention they need..and who knows, they could be dealing with someone who doesn't appreciate and love them for who they are like I can and do. So I feel like I'm failing them.

And myself. I can't explain this situation I'm in. At first I felt strongly that it was the economy and relocation to a city that's not on par with hiring "new" therapists and counselors (this is a very "settled" get married, you have babies, you move to SA to live. the end.). But now that it's a year later, and I've been rejected over 60, my ego is nonexistent.

I've never faced so much rejection in my life. Maybe this is some life lesson, but SHIT....what a craptastic one to be going through! I've worked so hard my whole life for what I've wanted......was never given anything on a silver spoon...but fed with great "you can do anything you want" from my awesome parents. And so I did. I worked and I pushed and I kept working when my friends in college were partying because I knew I was meant to go places. Do big things. Be the girl who did so much with her life at such an early age. I'm proud of myself for that.

So how do I deal with all of these self depricating, self loathing, "what the fuck" feelings and thoughts now? I have no f-ing clue. I really don't. I don't know where to find hope or happiness. I just DONT GET IT. My resume makes me proud. My resume has been complimented by professionals. Where's my spot in this world? It can't be in retail. I might be going clinically insane there as of late.......even my managers tell me "you don't belong here." and "I'm going to miss you when you get a real job".....a real job? Even they think I need to be elsewhere.

This job interview went really, really, well. I even connected with the head of the Dept. on a personal level--we knew the same person from my alma mater in D.C. I thought I was getting this. I envisioned myself in that office, in that desk, doing this work. It hurts more than I can say with words that they told me "NO" through a post card sent by some secretary who was doing her job. I thought I was more than that.

I can't explain where I'll be emotionally any time soon. I'm so incredibly embarrassed. So embarrassed to be this age, with this degree, knowing that in 4 hours I drive myself to the mall to sell clothes to rich women. I have a masters in counseling. I work with special needs kids like no other. They are for me and I am for them. Why can't I be there instead of in the same store, every day, doing the same thing, with no movement forward?

God this fucking sucks.

::Back to the normally scheduled agenda once this funk rolls through town.....::

Looking for a happy post? Look elsewhere.

I graduated top of my class with my MA in Mental Health Counseling. I worked side by side, literally, on a daily basis with Eunice Kennedy Shriver at Special Olympics International at her home. Her HOME. I've traveled all over the world. Was the only psych major my year to get research grant at the National Institute of Health to be part of the nationwide grant on Alzheimer's Disease research.

I've lost count how many jobs I've applied to down here. 60.....65...probably 70? Probably.

I'm not in a good place tonight. Sorry guys, got another big rejection today from that huge job I was stoked for and vibing on. Know what the worst part about it is? That I told every family member, friend, and blog person about it? Embarrassing, but no. No the worst part is that I was rejected via post card from the University's HR dept. Not even a promised phone call back from the Psych dept, or a return on my email I sent last week. Nothing. A bullshit postcard with "Thanks for applying. Applicant accepted. Good luck" on the inside. On the outside? my name and the position I applied for.

Not that I could ever get back that 45 minute interview....they shriveled all that hard work and kick ass interview down to a fucking post card. And I'll never hear from them again.

I'm so out of words for what this has done to my morale and my drive. I completely wasted 2 years of my life thinking I would ever make something of myself with my MA degree.

Know what sticks the salt in my wounds? Every where I turn, people I know in my life are being hired. Left and right. Paid internships, paid teaching jobs, and the best part? not a single one of them has been looking for a job for over a year like I have.

When's it my turn? What the FUCK do I do with my life? I have no identity any more. I thought i was this person with this dream and with this degree. How do I feel any connection to that life any more when a year and some change later, 60+ job applications later, I have NOTHING to account for myself? No one wants me. I dont stand a fucking chance at any job I apply to.

Im at the point where I dont see myself applying anymore. Wanna know the shit end of the stick? I have a Masters degree from a top university with a nationally ranked counseling graduate program, and I work at the fucking mall.

what the fuck is wrong with me?

ya know people will automatically tell me i shoudl be happy im getting married. my identity is not a fucking wedding. my identity is my life, my career, my fucking dreams. I'm a fucking embarrassment to myself. i spent my last 6 months killing brain cells in a fucking retail store with a fucking masters degree. but the funniest part about it all is that im not wanted anywhere else. HA! No one wants me but the mall!

is it possible to hate god and hate what your life has become this much? let's in the mall where every day i loathe going in, or sit on my ass at home and hate my life because i get rejectedfor yet another job?

where's my fucking break. wheres the rainbow at the end of the tunnel. I'm so over it all. i fucking give up. there is absolutely nothing else to say. im out of words, I'm out of emotions, i'm out of hope. i fucking give up.

I dont know who I am. I dont know what I do. I dont know the next step. I dont know how to keep going. I obviously am not good enough in the eyes of over 60 employers to do what I thought i was put on this earth to do. what the fuck do I do now? WHere do I go from here? how do I find hope in anything anymore?



Thursday, August 20, 2009

Time flies when you're having fun...

woahhhhhhhhhhh where does free time go when you're planning a wedding??


There is SO much for me to catch up on. Until then, bare with me as we get a million and two little last minute details out of the way before the wedding in less than four weeks!

Recap: Since getting back from NY for what was a stunning wedding, we've been collecting RSVP's, signing for many packages a day from UPS and Fedex, making daily phone calls to vendors to set up meetings the week of the wedding (I fly back 6 days before Dan), trying not to go completely insane by our parents annoying us with a million and one's all to be expected! Weddings are stressful even when blissful. People are excited, want to make it perfect, and some times in their efforts to help out too much, create too much tension between this is when distance is helping us out tremendously--we can make phone calls and when we see everyone, it will be days before the big day :)

So I continue to breathe, continue to practice yoga, continue to eat healthy, continue to count my blessings, and continue to enjoy this beautifully blissful time that will go by so fast, so soon.


Monday, August 3, 2009

Celebration Nation

Hey all!

Hope everyone had a fabulousss weekend! I worked every day (part time jobs don't go on hold just because it's a Saturday), read some great books, ate some great food, shared some great laughs, and now I'm getting excited for my trip back to NY for my gorgeous Italian's wedding this Friday!!

(Us at her 24th birthday in NYC)

Fran and I met in grad school and from the moment we said "Hi!" we knew we'd be best friends for life. Just one of those friendships where unfortunately we met later on down the road but we would have met/were meant to meet anyway--eerily enough we applied to some of the same grad programs so we KNOW it was meant to be haha! We've spent every minute since catching up and now we're besties for life :)

Fran is marrying her boyfriend of TEN I said TEN YEARS!!! (cue Charlotte York Goldenblatt, in the restaurant, shouting to the crowds using BOTH hands. That's me right now.)

We've got some major partying to do and I fly out Wednesday through til Monday morning so I will be back later on next week with some great pics, some book reviews, and some happy vibes!

Have a great week yall!