Thursday, August 27, 2009


Welp, the last 24 hours have been pretty brutal on my eyeballs (red), nose (red AND runny), face (puffy from crying)....husband to be (probably tired of picking me up off the floor)....dogs (c0nfused why their human is making weird noises)....blah.

I wanted this to be a place to talk about my journies in life, good and bad. Last night I needed to vent. I needed to be 100% honest with myself, put my fears out there and let anyone know how raw I am feeling. Do I regret what I said and wrote? No, absolutely not. Emotions are honest, are real and can never be wrong. They are what they are.

I think the best way to describe what I'm going through is a feeling of failure. I miss the special needs kids. Every day I'm not with them, I feel like I'm failing them. I'm not giving them the care and attention they need..and who knows, they could be dealing with someone who doesn't appreciate and love them for who they are like I can and do. So I feel like I'm failing them.

And myself. I can't explain this situation I'm in. At first I felt strongly that it was the economy and relocation to a city that's not on par with hiring "new" therapists and counselors (this is a very "settled" get married, you have babies, you move to SA to live. the end.). But now that it's a year later, and I've been rejected over 60, my ego is nonexistent.

I've never faced so much rejection in my life. Maybe this is some life lesson, but SHIT....what a craptastic one to be going through! I've worked so hard my whole life for what I've wanted......was never given anything on a silver spoon...but fed with great "you can do anything you want" from my awesome parents. And so I did. I worked and I pushed and I kept working when my friends in college were partying because I knew I was meant to go places. Do big things. Be the girl who did so much with her life at such an early age. I'm proud of myself for that.

So how do I deal with all of these self depricating, self loathing, "what the fuck" feelings and thoughts now? I have no f-ing clue. I really don't. I don't know where to find hope or happiness. I just DONT GET IT. My resume makes me proud. My resume has been complimented by professionals. Where's my spot in this world? It can't be in retail. I might be going clinically insane there as of late.......even my managers tell me "you don't belong here." and "I'm going to miss you when you get a real job".....a real job? Even they think I need to be elsewhere.

This job interview went really, really, well. I even connected with the head of the Dept. on a personal level--we knew the same person from my alma mater in D.C. I thought I was getting this. I envisioned myself in that office, in that desk, doing this work. It hurts more than I can say with words that they told me "NO" through a post card sent by some secretary who was doing her job. I thought I was more than that.

I can't explain where I'll be emotionally any time soon. I'm so incredibly embarrassed. So embarrassed to be this age, with this degree, knowing that in 4 hours I drive myself to the mall to sell clothes to rich women. I have a masters in counseling. I work with special needs kids like no other. They are for me and I am for them. Why can't I be there instead of in the same store, every day, doing the same thing, with no movement forward?

God this fucking sucks.

::Back to the normally scheduled agenda once this funk rolls through town.....::

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